Shibari

A month ago I took part in a Shibari retreat that was held in a gorgeous mansion in Agoura Hills, California. The event was lead by Alexandra Roxo and Victoria Blue. I've worked with Roxo before and it was my first time meeting Blue, but I felt safe with her as soon as we met. I was a part of a group of women that gathered together to hold space for each other and to heal shame surrounding sex and trauma. The ambiance of the event and house and all of the women there felt so safe. As an adult I have been exploring my sexuality since I feel I was never able to as a child. I had a pretty traumatic childhood and there was so much turmoil in my family that I think I missed out on the experience of being a curious child and exploring my sexuality. Even now I am still figuring out what it means to explore ones sexuality.

I've spent a great majority of my life tuning out of my body and emotions and this retreat demanded that I be present and be aware of my feelings and where I am still holding onto the pain. I let myself experience old wounds through physical touch and through my voice. I let whatever vocal sounds that wanted to emerge from my cervix come out using various techniques that Roxo taught. I let my voice reveal what my body needed to communicate.

Before attending this retreat I had never experimented with and wasn't really familiar with Shibari. I was very interested in using it as a healing modality because I had read about it online and watched a few youtube videos and was very intrigued. We did various exercises with rope that were so beautiful and loving. The intimacy that I experienced with the women that I practiced rope with was unlike anything I've ever experienced. It was beautiful, it was graceful. There was an equal amount of giving and receiving that I've never experience with a romantic partner. It was intimacy on a different level. It was sensual, warm, loving, nurturing.

The experience has shown me how wonderful intimacy can be. I was actually very surprised to how healing it was. I figured I would cry when I was bound but did not anticipate weeping and feeling so many emotions that I felt when I was being bound by Blue. For the first time, I felt so completely safe in my own body and mind that I could not help but weep and think that this is how it should've always been, to feel that I am my own sanctuary. In those moments it was like someone (me, the Divine?) was reciting loving words to me and I was so in tune with my feelings that I wept tears of joy because it felt like I had finally come back home to myself and there were also tears of sadness for all of the pain I've endured and times I chose to abandon myself. I loved and forgave myself. The experience was extraordinary.

I am so grateful that I got to be a part of this retreat and also that I made some friends there. I've been on this healing journey for almost four years now and I have been lucky to meet so many nurturing and loving women, they inspire me. With the help of so many people I am becoming the woman that I have always wanted to be.